The Glory of '08

Yesterday night, I was doing something that would make my mother scream if she knew. Something that actually shocked me to the roots. I was flipping through news channels !!!

Yesterday was not like any other night. The Americans were voting to elect their 44th president. And being the powerful country it is, every single news agency was covering live from every state possible. They were competing with high tech devices to outcome other channels. Quickly updating votes and covering live from both parties, Obama's and McCain's.

It was actually 4:00am in Dublin which is 6:00am in Cairo, yet they were both covering live from the US. As a matter of fact, democrats in Dublin were gathered in a bar watching the results together until 5:00am !!! ON A TUESDAY NIGHT !!! That's not normal over here for people who don't know :D.

I myself was watching and couldn't sleep till they announced that Barack Obama is the new US president. I found a HUGE smile upon my face and my heart jumping from joy. Which actually made me stop. What the hell was I happy about? I'm not American. I'm a proud Egyptian, I've always been and forever will be. Then why am I this happy.

During McCain's speech, he said that Obama inspires for hope. I really felt that.

When this tall dark man walked out to the stage with all Chicago screaming with joy, I couldn't help but admire him. This man beat the records of winning American votes !! He is the first black president and will forever be remembered in history. All this makes sense, yet does not relate to me by any means. 

But it does. While every African American heard his speech with tears of joy running down their faces, proud of him and happy that they lived to see the day that America is ruled by a person they could relate to, a person that would understand the rough times they suffered, I was hearing him and hoping for change. I see in that man change and not just because his campaign was declaring that.

I was relating to him, and not because he has Islamic heritage, but because he's African American. Because he knows what it's like to be a minority, what it's like to be discriminated and that's exactly what we are suffering from now. 

I'm hoping that he does make a change. Even if it's not affecting the Middle East directly, at least changing the image of America, which has been so deeply ruined, that they themselves fear what they hear.

I know that the media will never stop affecting both sides, Americans and Middle Eastern, but I'm hoping that at least things will change for Arab Americans. That's the tiniest hope anyone could ask for. 

I'm secretly hoping that I will live to see the day my country witnesses such a thrill and hope.

I'm hoping that he does change America and hoping he fixes the economy quickly !!! WE NEED JOBS PEOPLE !!! :D

Now '08 will forever be a historical year. It's the year where a black man rules America, and even more importantly, it's our graduating year :D ... forever in the history books FCIS '08 !! Mark my words ... great things will happen because of us :D.

Movie Dreams

Since I'm so happily unemployed and doing practically nothing, I've decided to write a new blog every week. That's the least I could do. Day of airing is not defined yet but let's start from today.

So I was thinking what to write about, and by the way I have a huge list of things to write about and then I found myself distracted with my beautiful TV and my downloads. 

I always feel better when I lose myself in a movie. It's much better living in a fantasy world rather than the boring reality. And I think that is the whole point of movies. They are made to sweep you off your feet for those 90mins, take you to places you never went to and make you experience things you never did. And the more sensational and mind-sweeping the movie is, the better it is. 

I will never forget "August Rush". That movie sucked me so much that all the time I did not hear or see anything or anyone around me. I did not hit reality except when his mother and father looked at each other in that last seen. That was when I felt, oh how cheesy, a movie people !! Other than that moment, I never felt I was watching a movie. And later on, I found that all my friends felt the same way.

As a matter of fact, as soon as you put your headphones on, you are in a totally different world. You can't hear anyone outside. It's you and the music/movie. Every word that's said is processed better, since it's the only thing going in.

With music, the experience is different cause the journey is only for 5mins or so. But still, it does help. I'm that kind of person who listens to certain songs according to my mood. It's not one playlist playing all the time. I have a happy playlist, sad playlist, depressed playlist, hyper playlist and a special playlist ( for a special feelings :D ). And I so react with the music.

I also have my movies. When I'm depressed there are certain movies I watch to cheer me up. And there are certain movies I never watch when I'm in a certain mood. 

I never thought much into all this. Until one night I was laying in the dark and that's where I do my serious thinking and my mind does not shut up !! Anyways, I was thinking how all my friends seem to be running away from the single's league into the engaged and married ones. And I started wondering if I'll ever go to those leagues. Then it hit me, I'm 21 !!! I'M TOO YOUNG FOR THIS PEOPLE !! I REALLY REALLY I'M !!! Just because I graduated at a young age doesn't mean I'm old !! That's not my point anyway, may be I'll talk about it another time. So after I found out that I am too young, I figured its not an age thing its a matter of maturity. Are they ready to settle and are they 100% sure of who they've chosen as their forever life partner. I found out I'm so confused on what I want. And here comes my point. I found all my thoughts affected by the movies I've been watching !! By favorite movies  are romantic comedies, so you can only imagine how messed up my mind is now :D. 

What is every girl's dream? Prince Charming, her Knight in Shining Armor both on the white horse, he'd come and sweep her off her feet. I'm not joking by the way, that is every girl's dream. Prince Charming or the Knight is a normal person with everything she's dreamed of, and the white horse is everything he owns which she's dreamed of ( that part is not as bad as it sounds, I'm talking small basic things people, flowers and simple gifts nothing major). Did anyone ever think if that does exist? Oh and you know that amazing fantasy of love at first sight, its a lie dudes. No such thing trust me. I'm not pessimistic I'm talking from experience here :huh. Kidding :D, but it's true though. There is a spark at first sight.

Movies always end at " ... and they lived happily ever after ". Well, PROVE IT !!! Come On !!! 

I want disney to make a movie telling me what happened with Snow White, or Sleeping Beauty. Oh the dear Sleeping Beauty. Did you realize our dear princess did not actually know her prince that well before " the happily ever after ". I mean at least Cinderella went to the dance and they talked and stuff. 

I've been lied to people. Prince Charming does not exist, and by Prince Charming I mean movie Prince Charming, cause everyone has her/his perfect someone, and I know I have mine :huh.

I'm very proud and happy of my friends that they were not as affected as I was or they just figured it out faster than I did. But I'm still happy the way I am, confused and unsettled, because this gives me more time to sort things out and make my final list of characteristics of what exactly I want. 

So, I'm happy to announce that I have let go of my movie dreams, cause simply life is not a movie. Life is life, it's real and it has it's ups and downs and that's what makes life enjoyable and entertaining. But I still can't help myself from smiling when I see a romantic love story in a movie and still, in my heart, secretly hope all my movie dreams come true. 

Resolutions ...

Well, its 10 days away from my 21st birthday !!!!!!

For starters, I have to say, that this is so not how I imagined celebrating my 21st :D . But I'm sure I'll try my best to enjoy it.

I wanted a HUGE party with all my close friends and lots of pretty flowers.

I like surprises. I really really do. I enjoy the unexpected.

I like when I tell someone to stay away, they fight anyway and be next to me cause they know I need them.

I like when I tell someone not to get me anything, cause simply I won't accept it, they still go the extra mile and get me something. ( I could refuse taking it but just the trouble they went through for looking for something and buying it still means a lot)

I like when my friends call just to say they miss me or love me. ( specially my 2 mais .. coz due to our colleges we never have the time to talk or meet )

I like people who go the extra mile just to show how much I mean to them.

I have found out that I don't understand myself as much as I thought I do. I get confused easily, I'm not sure what I want and not clear about my future. That's not acceptable AT ALL !!

So, as my new year's resolution, I've decided to understand myself. Apparently, I'm a good person that people enjoy befriending, so I might as well be my friend :D.

( I might be getting crazy here :D )

I just want to say that I miss you all, my dear friends, I really do. I miss our college days where we used to sit and talk, joke around and skive lectures and sections. I wish I could go back just 1 day to enjoy every moment of it.

On my 21st birthday, I've decided to be a better person, never judge anyone and cherish my friends and my loved ones. I'll be less aggressive ( :$ ) . I WILL CONTROL MY TEMPER ( isA isA isA ya rab :$ ). AND I WILL BE THE BEST FRIEND ANYONE COULD EVER DREAM OF HAVING, SO TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DUN WANNA BEFRIEND ME ... DUDEZ, ITS YOUR LOSS :D.

Happy Happy 21st to me (^^,). May I break all the laws :D

Forgive and Forget ...

For more than 10 days now, I've opened my writer everyday. Everyday I try to write my new blog and I just can't. Its not because I have nothing to say, because everyday I had a new topic to talk about. Its just I couldn't write.

I didn't understand what was going on. Normally I would just need ONE word to come out and every other word pours out alone.

Its true I did have a terrible week, or more, but that never seemed to be a problem when it comes to writing.

Today, and as everyday, I opened my writer and I began to write. I expected that like everyday, I would press that backspace so fast, that for a second I thought of saving the precious letters the humiliation.

To my surprise, and even before I put down that first word, my thoughts started pouring and my hands started typing.

I guess I was missing something and I just didn't realize it.

What I was missing is besides the point, or simply not something I want to share ( :P ).

I just wanted to say, that you really should think about your actions and the things you care most in your life before its too late. I guess now is the perfect time to for us to re-evaluate our relationships. I know I want to do that. Forgive and Forget (F&F).

I forgive everyone for anything they ever did to me, and I certainly have forgotten it/them.

I hope you all do forgive me for anything I ever did and forget it. ( probability is very high that I did do something to U :$ )

I really will miss you all. ( Dun forget me hah .. the forget here is not forgetting me ... its not an excuse :O !!! )

P.S.: Thank U My Friend, for keeping up with my craziness and for just being there. ( If this makes no sense to U its simply bcoz its not for U :O .. no offense :$ )

No Goodbyes ...

Well, here I am up late when I should be sleeping in order to get up in a few hours for my exam. As usual, I don't want tomorrow to come. Normally it's because I'm not ready for the exam, have not finished the curriculum or just hate the subject so much that I know I well do real bad in the exam. This time its different though. I have butterflies in my stomach, my heart is pounding hard, my nervous system is working on its own, I'm just not me. I do want tomorrow to come, but I don't want tomorrow to come. I mean finishing exams is great, hell I miss TV ... yet I have one hell of a month ahead of me. Working on the project will be tough. I feel like I'm kidding myself. I mean, yes I'm really worried about the project but that is not the only, or main, reason for how I feel.

It really does feel like yesterday that I had just graduated from school.

I remember my first day in college so well. Every single thing in it. I came on a Saturday to find out its a holiday.

I remember the first group of girls I met. They too came on Saturday.

I remember the first boys I met. I remember how the next day I found out one of them is my dad's friend's son :D.

I remember the first lecture ever. ( Math 1 , Dr.Abdel Kawy , I came 1 hour late and I sat in the 3rd row in the front )

I remember how I loved the lecture hall ... the colors were a real attraction to me :D

I remember the first physics lecture when we got kicked out, and immediately knew that Dr.Ali is just not a normal Dr ( if you know what I mean :D )

I remember how we tried to organize a welcome party. I actually remember Ala'a and Amr Nader talking to every single person about it :D.

I remember how crazy we were and all the noise we would do and the dirty looks we got from the older people ( I dun blame them , I do the same with the younger classes :D )

I remember the first outing in Ramadan, when everyone went and they didn't even know each other that well. ( That is something I did not experience :D )

I remember Genedy and all the physics sections, and how Dr.Mahmoud Mounir once came out, shouted at us for all the noise we were doing ( mainly Doubi and Xeno ), slammed the door and then afterwards talked to us slowly about it.

I remember that old ugly lecture room in Faculty of Law and the even uglier one in Faculty of Arts.

You have no idea what else I remember I could go on and on forever. I have a memory with each person I know. Even the people that I have grown apart from or had some problems with, I still hold in my memory loads of great moments.

FCIS has been my first home ( I just can't say second, cause over the 4 years I spent more time there than home ).

I can never forget how we changed the TAs opinion about us 180 degrees. Gradually Drs. began to love us. After being called the worst class FCIS ever saw, now everyone is upset we are leaving.

Its now clear to me. I'm upset I'm leaving home, I'm not leaving you guys. We are forever more friends.

Its been a crazy journey my friends, filled with laughter, tears, hugs, friendships, craziness, drama, work and hypercraziness ( totally made up for us :D ).

There is just no way to say goodbye. And I won't say goodbye. Its not the end its just the start.

Hand in hand, we are all stepping into the real world, together. From now on, its leaps and not mini steps. 'Cause its a well known fact we are not just ordinary people.

My dear Class of '08, I have been trying to think of words to write that would express my feelings. I actually have been thinking for like 2 weeks now. There is just not enough words to translate my feelings.

Its been an honor knowing you all. Every single one of you is unique in a way. I can never let any of you go. Even those people who just get on my nerves, I can't seem to let them go. After all, if I do, who will then make my head explode from anger ??

There is so much I want to say. I think I'll be writing to you guys more and more. You know by now that my blog is the way I let all my suppressed emotions come out.

I just wish that as we are ending our first journey together, no one is upset or hating me.

I hope I have never hurt anyone.

I truly hope I've been a good friend to you all.

Well, I guess I should sleep, so that's all for now.

I really love you all. Don't you DARE forget me while I'm gone :@ .

News ... News !!!

Well this blog is different. It won't be mainly how I feel, it won't be talking about some problem I have, but will be talking about something that is going to happen to me.

Yesterday, my dad called me from his office before he starts his weekly work-out. He told me go sleep for a while ( I had an exam and had not slept since the day before ) and wake your sister up, let her study, cause I have a surprise for you when I come. I tried finding out any hints, he totally refused to tell me a word. With that, he ended the call and left my head to all the questions and wondering. My mum didn't even know what was going on.

My dad returned at 10:15 and called the whole family in his room, sat us down, and started talking.

He told us that 5 months ago he got an order from work that he travels to Kabol for a whole year. If you know me well, you'd know that this place is not so weird for my dad to travel to, he's been to worse :D. He told us that he totally refused the order and told them there is NOWAY I'm leaving my family. The only way you could get me to go, is to base me in Islamabad so I could take my wife and kids and visit Kabol every once in a while. They refused that suggestion, so he refused the position.

You do have to imagine how our hearts stopped by that time. My dad has a bad history of traveling to the weirdest places ever, Iraq, Eritrea and those are just examples :D. I mean for a second there we thought he would complete the sentence saying that I couldn't refuse more and I travel in a week or something. Thank God .. he didn't say that :D .

Instead, he continued talking, and that was over with.

Then he told us, that today, they gave him another order. They told him he'll be traveling to Dublin, Ireland ... AND WE ARE ALL GOING !!!!!!

So now I could finally tell you what this blog is about. I will be leaving to Dublin after our final seminar for a whole year !!!!!!

I bet some people are like thank GOD we're getting rid of you ... and other's are feeling the way am feeling that I'll be missing you guys so much.

I can't really believe it till now that I will travel soon isA. I tried to figure out how will I tell you guys I'll leave and figured that most of the people that I care about are the ones who read my blogs, so I thought that would be the best way to tell you the story, from the start till the end.

We still have 2 months and a half together or so, and I've decided to make the most out of them, cause truly I will be missing each and every person I know.

And heey, don't you think I'll stop contacting ya'll .... what is Facebook for :O ???? And what are my blogs for :D .

My beloved friends, you will NEVER be forgotten .... AND DON'T YOU DARE FORGET MEE !!!!

Changing Lanes ...

Well, as usual its very late at night, or early in the morning. I'm supposed to be studying ( do take care of supposed ). I realize that what I am reading is in deed interesting, yet its not interesting in the studying kind of way. At that same time, I heard about my older friends, who are now graduating, and I listened to their grades and their GPAs. It is a very indescribable moment when the dean or whoever that calls out the names, calls out your name and says : " with a total grade of excellent ( very good ) .. the student ...... " !!!!!!!

Leave aside your feeling, what about your parents' feelings ? MAN, I bet they would be so proud.

That made me wonder, how did I manage to go from an A student, known for her hard work and bright mind, to a careless, lazy, just passing student ?!?!

True that if I had had the chance to choose I wouldn't have chosen FCIS. And true that it has never been my interest. And true that I was accepted in this college and I only knew how to check my mail, play online games and download stuff. But are these enough reasons to pay off my debts ?

Ok, let's think in another way. DOES IT TRUELY MATTER IF I GRADUATE WITH A+ OR D ????? TRUELY .....

Apparently, not so much.

I know a FEPS graduate now working as a ( sort of ) marketing manager. ( its complicated that position for me to explain )

I know a Hotel Management graduate now working as a social studies and PE primary teacher.

I know a Computer Engineering graduate now working in medical marketing ( exporting and selling medical machines ).

I know an Engineer graduate now working as a developer. ( that's not so odd though :D )

I know a Social Institute graduate ( if you could call them graduates :D ) now working as an accountant.

I think you get my point. I can go on and on and on with these examples.

Well, how did any of them pull that off ? COURSES COURSES COURSES !!!!!!

You see, I actually have loads of other interests ( considering computers are now one of my interests ).

I adore Egyptian History, Languages, Writing, Music, Designing, Marketing, and those are just a few examples.

Less than a month ago, we had this event that I had to help organize. I took responsibility of the presentations from A to Z. Starting with the design till managing them while my dad spoke. I did the design for the template ( from scratch ), the animations, pictures and everything. I wasn't satisfied. I just had to stop working in it 'cause it was time. I was modifying in it even on site and just before my dad goes up to give the speech. I didn't want to see anyone's reaction, I didn't even ask for it.

To my amusement, people came up to me and told me that they really liked the work done on the presentation and that my next step should be presenting it instead of my dad ( HaHaHa (6) ). That gave me a boost of confidence and made me talk more after the presentation and while we were having tea and stuff. Some people came to me asking about the project and the coming steps and if there is anything they could do. And suddenly, I found myself talking to a huge group of people of businessmen, housewives and youth !!

After I was done, the headmistress of my brother's school came up to me and told me: " well, you are finishing college soon, how about you join the school and become our official speaker and do for us some presentations?". I laughed, cause I took it as a joke. Turns out, they are doing some presentations for the school to increase its popularity and stuff. ( Oh btw, just for the record, I did end up getting stuck with all the coming presentations from preparing to performing. So watch out, you might catch me soon in the your nearest store !! )

Anyway, the bottom line is, just because you chose a route at some point doesn't mean your stuck in it for the rest of your life. If you really believe in something, and have a goal to reach, be sure that at some point a suitable door will open up, so cease the opportunity. And if you miss it once, you'll get a second chance, and a third. Just don't keep missing the chance till its too late to take a detour.Just finish your current route so you could start ceasing. That means I got to go study. ( =S )

If You're Young at Heart ...

" Fairy tales can come true, it can happen to you if you're young at heart " - Frank Sinatra

Fairy tales . what exactly are fairy tales?

I'm guessing there's a good reason he said, if you're young at heart.

First, I thought fairy tales are the stories my mummy and grandma used to tell me. That was when I was 4.

Then, I thought fairy tales are my dreams. What I wish to become and how I wish my future would be.

Future . well I'm guessing now is my future.

I realized sometime ago that I haven't had fairy tale dreams since I was a kid. And those kiddie dreams are no more than becoming a grown-up girl with my own house so that I'd do whatever I want. And that I hold the household money, so I'd buy the food I like, which is mainly chocolates of course.

Do you really believe that you'll just find your perfect person, fall in love, get married and live happily ever after? Is that it? Are there no complications to the story? Like my father who's the king of the kingdom not agreeing on my marriage from the village boy? Or maybe my father would ask him to get the brightest star in order to marry me?

I am not hallucinating.

I remember my first fianc�e. I was 8 and he was 23, the son of my dad's friend. (You know how parents kid around about that?) Oh and how great it felt when he once called home and when I asked who I should tell my dad is on the phone, he tells me tell him your fianc�e. I remember how red my face was. People have to realize that kids do understand and do remember, GOD!!

I remember my first crush. I was like 10 and he was almost the same age as me, and he liked me too. At that time love was playing together, having walks on the beach and building sand castles together. It was such a simpler time then. (I think by now you've guessed that it was a summer crush)

I remember thinking that as soon as I'm old enough, I'd find my prince charming, we'd fall in love and that would be it. We'd live happily ever after. But I guess life's not that easy.

Well, how do you know you've met your prince charming? Does he have to have all the characteristics you've been dreaming of? Could you let go of some of them? How do you know you have finally found the one you want to settle with forever and ever and finally get the fairytale ending?

Well I guess I may be hallucinating, but truly it's something confusing. Should you just leave things take its normal route and be certain that in the end God will do what's best for you? Well for sure God will always do what's best for me, but how do you know you are going down the right route? The one God has planned for you. How do you save yourself all the hurting and struggle?

I guess you can never be certain of something. There's always a risk you're taking, whether with the right route or left route. So in the end, I guess you should just do what makes you feel right, do what makes you happy, do what your heart tells you.

It's up to your heart!! (But hey, don't neglect your brain, or trust me you'll choose the wrong route)

Exam Inspiration !!!

Well, I have been up for more than 30hours now, just came back from a MIS exam .. and through the exam only 2 songs were on my mind ( by on my mind i mean I CANT THINK EXCEPT OF THEM ... no MIS no nothing !!! ).

First song, which came to my mind after the Dr. came and started talking and me realizing that there isn't a single question that I can guarantee that I'll answer correctly, was " I feel pretty" - from the famous Musical West Side Story. " I feel pretty ... Oh so pretty ... I feel pretty and witty and gay .. and I pity any girl who isn't me tonight " !!!! .... WHY I have no idea !!!

The second song was " Arfa " - Ali El Haggar and music by the Great Omar Khairat !!

The words of the song are AMAZING .. seriously so romantic and soft. So, I went home determined to find the whole poem and to know the poet, to my surprise, it was the son of my all time favorite poet, Salah Jahin, Baha'a Salah Jahin. Apparently, he has inherited from his father his romantic soul and his soft incredible words. So, I though of sharing the poem with you. And some of my favorite Jahin's Quadruplets, but I'll post them alone so you can enjoy all. Hope you enjoy them.
Let's start with the son , Baha'a Jahin :

مش عارف ليه باتونس بيك وكأنك من دمي ؟
على راحتي معاك وكأنك أمي
مش عارف ليه؟

عارفه؟
حاسس إني لأول مرة باشوفك
وإني باشوفك من أول لحظة في عمري
حاسس إني يمامه بتشرب في كفوفك
وإنك شجرة ، وضلة ، وميا بتجري
مش عارف ليه؟

عارفه؟
فرحة كبيرة وصوت مزيكا في قلبي
وكأننا حبيبين اتقابلوا بعد فراق
ليه فجأة بأت مستني لوحدي؟
عاوز اتكلم أحكي واشكيلك همي
مش عارف ليه؟

وانا وياك باحس الدنيا فيها سلام و أمان
وإن العالم مفهوش ولا نقطت أحزان
ايدك خليها في ايدي ، ده أنا طفل كبير
وباحس ان انا وانت لوحدينا ، وردة في بستان
مش عارف ليه؟

I advice everyone to download the song if they haven't heard it, because if you haven't yet, BELIEVE ME, you are missing something so indescribable !!!!

Great Expectations !!

It's been such a long time since I last blogged and I've truly missed it.

And as usual it's so not the time for blogging but I'm still going to do what I love.

There are no angels on Earth so stop acting like one!!

Treat people as if they are all unfaithful unless proven otherwise!!

I've always been against that. Why should I treat a person and always expect the bad? Why don’t I expect the good unless proven otherwise?

May be because I treat the person in front of me as if he was raised up the same way I was, with the same morals and ethics. I expect that the major facts of their personality as common between us. And that his faults can never harm me in anyway. I assume that what I see on TV about devilish evil people is not true, and if it's true, it'll never happened to me. I expect that as soon as you are called my friend, whatever fault I have in my personality you would accept and never be angry from since we're friends. I expect that as soon as you are called my friend that whatever dirty acts you have, you'd never apply on me since we're friends. I expect that a friend never betrays. I expect that you are pure inside and that you can never hurt.

Well, apparently I expect so much and people in this world are so not what I expect. They are all wearing masks, masks to hide their true identity. They go through life as a fake to reach their goal. The question is, when they reach it are they satisfied? I'm sure they lost a lot of friends during their journey by faking relationships, so are they now satisfied? Do they have that calming inner peace that we all dream of when we reach our goal? You know, more important, do they feel satisfied with what they did to their friends and close ones? Do they like verify what they did and convince themselves that they didn't do anything wrong?

I really don’t know. And I don’t really want to know. I just hope I learn from my previous experience and stop treating people as if they are saints. No one's perfect. I shouldn’t expect so much. So I guess in the end it's all my fault!!

End the Experience

Ok, so I decided to end this series of experience. { Dun cry ppl =O ,, I know you were enjoyin' it tho mucht .. hehehe .. }

So seriously, why did I end it. Well, it was boring me, that's one, and, well, the only thing that could be worth mentioning is that in that whole month I didn't meet except ONE real mentor!!!! I know that I wasn't in a software specialized organization, so meeting a mentor wouldn't be that easy.

So, I'll just cut it short and to the point.

CASE was my worst experience EVER. They managed to waste my time for a whole month and a half. ( DAMN !!!!! )

I still have to be fair, I did gain one thing from CASE, a friend, who was my boss at some point (A.T). The only guy that actually taught me something new and made me see something computer related. A huge big thank you.

So that was CASE.

After that I went to Egypt Post and trained there for 2 weeks. I'm happy to say I worked and learnt in those 2 weeks more than that stupid month and a half.

To conclude my summer, I went to Smart Cards Application Company. I was going to train there for as long as I wanted. I ended up training for ONE day and that's it !!!! { shoot me .. shoot me NOW }

I had to go back to college and couldn’t manage to go as a part-timer since it was Ramadan and I would finish college at 3. { Seriously SHOOT ME }

So that was my AMAZING summer.

That’s the experience.

And now to my new articles !!!!!

My CASE Experience (2)

Ok, so after that amazing day, I guess you can imagine how I felt about going back to that place. Little did I know that that was not the end of my problems!
Anyway, the next day, I got up and re-did the morning scenario from the previous day. Again, with all the enthusiasm in the world {ok, a little less enthused than the other day}, I headed straight to my dad's friend's office. He wasn’t there. During my wait, a man – whom I don’t know – came up to me and asked me who I was waiting for, and then he told me to wait for Mr.A in his office. So, we went to his office, and he told me that he'll call me to come down to him, so when the telephone rings, answer. I hate answering phones that are not mine. And what if it wasn’t that guy? Anyways, I sat there looking at the walls and not knowing what to do. In a while, the office boy came in and found me. He, of course, was surprised to find me in the office. Some way or another, I managed to explain the situation and he was ok, or maybe he just didn’t understand whatever I muttered.

After a while, the phone rang, and the guy told me to come down to him. So, my journey started, and I went down. He took me to another office in another building to see that manager. He sat me down for like 30 seconds. He asked me where I'm studying and called this other guy and told him I'm going to him and that I'll be training there for some time.
So, again I got up and went back to the other building and went to that other manager. He sat me down for like a minute. Actually this guy was pretty nice. A real gentleman. He doesn’t talk to anyone until he sits down and chills for a while. He talks with him a while to loosen up, whether a new person he is meeting or someone who just wants something from him or whatever. Anyways, after catching my breath, he told me I'd be spending my first week in a department called OTC. And, again, he sent me to the head of the department so I could meet him.

This time, thank God, the office was in the same building, only 3 floors up.
I went to the head's office, and he started to explain roughly the idea of the department. The he took me to the department's managers' office. They were two, a man and a woman. The women started talking first. There, I met another trainee, Ahmed; he was a fresh graduate from Faculty of Commerce CU. As soon as he found out that I'm an FCISian, he felt intimidated by me, although I am the one who should have felt so since, after all, this was his field. I didn’t really care anyway about that because I had a goal to achieve, which is finish all these departments so I could finally go to IT. But this Ahmed guy couldn’t stop trying to impress the managers!! He started talking all professional talk that of course I didn’t understand a word from, and he had that extremely weird grin on his face. Anyway, forgetting Ahmed for some time, the lady started saying again what the department does a little bit more details, just a little bit. After she finished she asked that other guy if he wanted to add anything and he said no nothing, just if you guys need anything, Ahmed or I, his office is always open for us. Then the lady took us to the office where we'll be spending the rest of the week.

The office was a small room, smaller than my room I guess, consisting of 5 desks with an employee on each one. The room was filled with brokers. The OTC is simply the transfers of stocks that happens between a buyer (normally a regular person) and a company which has not yet reached the set specifications by CASE so their deals do not happen in the CORBE (which is what you see on TV with the brokers on their PCs and telephone).
Each one of these employees has a minimum of 3 files which may contain more than one transfer. What they do is check that the procedure is correct, which means they check all the given documents and make sure that they are correct so that they guarantee the existence of the stocks that will be transferred. In short, they guarantee that the buyer does indeed get his stocks and that they are not fictitious.

When the lady took us to the office, she introduced us and we sat down at the end of the room. I sat there looking around, watching the employees and the brokers. A totally new world for me. I sat there looking around, when I finished looking at the people, I started looking at the stacked folders all around the room. No one even turned to tell us a thing. Then that Ahmed guy, told me to come with him and that he'll take me to show me around. I was bored and had nothing to do, so I went with him. He showed me around to a couple of offices with some people that work there. Turns out, Ahmed had trained last year in CASE. So I asked him what he did during his last training, he told me sit up there like you saw. And he seemed so surprised that I was asking or objecting. He told me, what do you expect, that they'll make you work or even take the time to explain something to you!! I asked him if he had benefited anything and the reason he came back. He told me that he didn’t really benefit much except meeting new people and building relations, and he came back because he thinks that that way he would have the priority in getting a job in CASE. He still didn’t get what I'm so surprised about. Anyway, I got bored of this guy trying to impress me (not in a good way) and make me feel like I'm a total loser. I went back to the office, and I just couldn’t take it anymore, so I decided to go to the managers and just do something about it.

I went there, all huffy and stuff, and asked the guy there (the one who told us if we had any problems we go to him) what exactly am I supposed to do? The guy was stunned. As if I'm the first person ever to ask that question. He asked me what I meant, so I told him that for sure I'm not supposed to sit there and do nothing all day. He told me actually I don't know, why don’t you go to the head and ask him. The guy was very nice actually, he seemed helpful but he just couldn’t help me. Again, all huffed up, I went to the head, lucky for him he wasn’t there, I seriously do mean he is lucky I didn’t find him. But his secretary was there. I asked her the same question, she told me sit there, you think you can learn the work so soon, no way, even that week you are spending is not enough to understand anything. I told her yes but I already understood what's going on and I need at least to do anything practically, under the supervision of anyone. She told me of course you can't, you just go and sit there you'll learn a lot!!!

Absolutely furious and out of my mind, I returned to the office and sat on the lovely chair. I, again, started to look around me. There was only one woman in the office along with 4 other men. I was sitting in front of her. She noticed that I was furious and so pissed off, so she apologized to me for not being able to sit with me that day because she was very busy but the next day she'll sit with me and explain things and even work with her in an operation she is doing.

To make this a very exciting first day, the head came into the office and found me sitting there, he told me by the way you don’t need to stay here till the official working hours, you can leave and come anytime you like.

After reading the story of my "official" first day, how long do you think I stayed there???

Amazingly, I reached there 10, went to OTC 10:30, left CASE at about 1:30!!!
Wait for more, that was just the start!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My CASE experience (1) ...

And I'm back to bug you again =D
I bet y'all missed me so much =D

Well, I have been busy interning in CASE. To FCISians CASE is Computer Aided Software Engineering. But now, I have a new meaning for CASE; Cairo and Alexandria Stock Exchange, my summer home !!
I have been trying to write about my experience there for quite some time now, but I just kept delaying it. But I have finally made up my mind, I'm going to write.
I'll start the story from the beginning.
It all started when my dad found out I was looking for places to intern in, that was like the beginning of last year's first term. I had sent my CV to a couple of places, started asking some people to ask if they have an interning program where they work and just waiting for someone to answer. And one day, my dad came home so happy with a huge smile on his face, and just couldnt wait to tell me the happy news, that he actually told me as soon as he closed the house door !! ( My dad usually waits tell he's changed his clothes and then calls whoever he holds news for and then spills it out.) With a HUGE smile he said:" I found two places for you to intern in, very very good places, you'll need to get me a certificate from your college for one because its a governmental internship, but the other place is private so you don't need any documents,".
Of course, hearing that, I was extermly and utterly excited, mainly because of his excitment. I then found out that he got me an internship in CASE and another member firm. I actually thought it was cool. If you think about it, you'll find that a main department in SE is IT and database developing and stuff, which is exactly what I want. So, I thought to myself, well cool, its settled, I'm going to intern in CASE for a month, then in that member firm for another month and finally take a break till the start of college. It seemed as a perfect plan. And the search stopped. Having found a place to intern, I finally felt safe and organized. I started preparing myself mentally and emotionally. I had those pink dreams; I'm going to show them how great I am, they'll want to hire me as soon as I graduate, I'll be active and do the impossible, I'll beat all the trainees and make my superiors see that they have never ever had such a trainee before.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Just thinking of those dreams makes me laugh. !!!
The people who know me, know that I'm not a quitter, I'm a strong person with a strong personality that always gets what she wants someway or another. Well, for sure I didn't stand there doing nothing when troubles came my way.
Now that you know the start and how that internship came, I'll start telling my story .....

I decided to start on 1/7/2007 , which was a sunday.
I got up at 7:30am, got dressed, was extremely excited, actually took pictures of my first day and was off to my aunt's place; she drops me off to CASE. When I got there she was ready and waiting for me in the car so that I wouldn't be late for my first day. We reached there about 10 may be or even earlier than that. I had visited CASE once before when I found out I'm going to intern there. I had met my dad's friend, who got me the internship, and knew where his office was. I headed staright to his building, I just wanted to make sure that that really was the building, so I looked for the security guards, but couldn't find a single one of them. I found an office next to the information office, I entered. There was a lady sitting there talking on the phone, I asked her if that was my dad's friend's office. Her reply was soooo relieving .............................
The wonderful lady told: " I actually don't know, sorry. But they are on holiday today .. { me going crazy from inside at this moment :nod } .. its the end of their finiancial year,".
Having nothing to say, I thanked the lady and left.
I was in a total rage. I was sooooooo angry. I WOKE UP EARLY =O
So, I called my dad, he told me ok, no problem, go to your uncle's office ( its right next to CASE ).
Apparently, my dear father had not called his friend to tell him that I'll be going to him that day.
I went to my uncle's office, where my aunt was. She couldn't believe it when she saw me. She just burst out with laughter, she couldn't stop and I didn't blame her, I couldn't stop laughing either.
I stayed with my aunt all day in my uncle's office and did some work and then went home at the end of the day.

And that was my first day at CASE, in a way.

The rest is yet to come ... Stay Tuned =D

Words - Part 2

Completing what I start in the last post.....

Another effect of words on us ....

“The Power of the Word”

{... HUH... This sounds exactly the same as what you have been blabbing about for the last God knows how long??!! }

Well, no. The Power of the Word here is not what most of you think. It means that the word may have an influence on you.
{OK ... you have totally lost your mind; it IS what you have blabbing about}

Again, well, no. Let me try to make it a bit clearer.

(To my Arab friends)
Do you remember that old movie, when there was this short guy that went to a hypnotist, and the hypnotist made him repeat a certain phrase? (ana mesh 2osayar 2oz3a, ana taweel w ahbal =D) which means: I'm not short and tiny, I'm tall and goofy.
I bet that that guy, after repeating that phrase for some time, finally believed that he really is tall (exclude the ahbal part =D).

A word you say to yourself, or another person, if said in a certain way, or repeated for some time, may be eventually believed.
It’s the same idea as, don't say “Can I Do this ", but say “I Can Do this "* . By telling yourself you can do something, you start believing that you can.
As much as this is a good thing, it’s an extremely dangerous thing too.

For instance, if I tell my friend, “You don't look good ", I might mean it as a joke, but the human brain doesn't take something and accept it as it is. The brain doesn't take the word and throw it at the back of the mind. No. The brain processes that word. And while you totally meant it as a joke, your friend will not take it that way. She'll start thinking,: " Well, when I wore this she said I don't look good, and before she pointed out that my mouth is asymmetric and before that she said that I had gained weight. And not only her, my other friends have been pointing out faults in my clothing ... ", and the human brain just never stops. In the end, a simple joke made a person's self image become destroyed.

I'm not saying don't joke (Hell, I'm the last to say so =D), but as long as the joke is clear and unrepeated, then it’s ok. Most important than repeating is to know who you are joking with. If this person is sensitive and already has a low self confidence, then don't just go joking around about things like that. KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE.

The Power of a Word can be so strong, that it may affect someone's life!!
When is that possible? When, for instance, you say it to a kid.

And again, I have some experience in that field.

My cousin has a daughter whose 9 years younger than myself. This girl was always criticized by her aunts and great aunts, and I have to admit that sometimes I criticized her too. This girl, ever since I can remember was criticized by everyone. The only one that was so sweet and caring with her was, my aunt, her grandmother. After a couple of years, she had a brother. He was cuter than her and funny. Everyone's attention turned to her brother and even worse, the criticism towards her was doubled. Soon after her grandmother died, and the only one left that showed her love was her dad. You will not believe it when I say that, even her mother criticized her and never took her side. This girl, at a younger age, was a very happy and playful child. All of a sudden, without any warnings, she transformed. She would not play with the other kids in the family; she would not joke around with everyone, and would come and sit in one place and not move or talk till they left. She started acting much older than her age hoping that this would satisfy everyone who’s been criticizing her. Seeing that, the people who used to criticize her are now trying to help her!! But it’s too late because the girl is scarred for life from their earlier non-stop criticism.

{Ok, that was one an example and on a kid, and of course kids believe everything.}

OK. Another example:

I was not in Egypt for the three prep years, so when I came back to 1st secondary, it was extremely hard to follow up with my friends, since lots of things were based upon the earlier knowledge, and specially Arabic. Anyways, when I started 2nd secondary, we were all terrified because simply I was totally lost in the Egyptian curriculum. I had changed schools and had missed a couple of lessons (I didn't take private lessons, instead I took school groups). On my first day, I found out I had a chemistry lesson!! You remember chemistry guys, this very weird subject that never seemed to be understood, and if you understand it then the information never stays in your memory. Anyways, I attended. And of course I was so darn scared, the first day in a new school and above that trying to catch up with my schoolmates. They all knew that teacher before and this was the first time for me to meet him. This man is the smartest man I ever met. In 5 minutes he made me feel home and confident. How? I really don't know. He would ask me questions about things he didn't explain yet and I would amazingly answer. On the first day, he had started telling me how smart I am, and even warned his star student that he has some competition. He was the first teacher that knew how to treat me. He kept building up my self confidence through the whole year. That didn't only affect my chemistry grade, it affect all my studies. He helped me through them all. And I was blessed with another teacher that did the same too, my Arabic teacher. This man, I really owe my life, both of them actually. Through encouraging words the whole 2 years, they made me pass them and with pretty good grades for my level when I first got there. I became the star student in most of my classes (God knows what happened to me now =S). And those words weren't made up or not true. They just knew when to compliment me and when not to. They wouldn't let me think too much of myself and yet don't under estimate my intelligence. They kept me balanced. (I’d be talking about them later in my blog, because that is a story to tell really)

So that was another example for how words can affect your future. And they did affect my future, cause till now, whenever I see them, they higher my self confidence and give me push of force towards working.

I guess now it very clear what words can do.
So people, seriously, think before you talk, you might end up losing everything.

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

*quoted from Hossam Aldin from his last article "Climbing Yourself"

Words - Part 1

Words are a two sided weapon; if used wisely, could save a life, and if not, may lead to a disaster.

Words, as simple as they are, can control your future. If you say the right words in a presentation, it may lead to a promotion, on the other hand, if you don't, you might end up being fired.

So, apparently, words are a crucial weapon.

When you say something, most of the time, you don't give your brain time to think it through. There are a few questions you must ask yourself before letting any word to slip out of your mouth. These questions include:

1) Does my reply fully answer the question - or - is my comment suitable to the situation and is correctly used?
2) Is my reply clear enough and could not be misinterpreted?
3) Will my reply offend the person in front of me?
4) If so, then is it necessary for me to say it?
5) If so, could I rephrase it to hold the same meaning but in a less painful way?

Steps that already your brain undergoes, without us ordering it to. By following this sequence, you have decreased the chance of hurting your listener’s feelings and being misunderstood, by about 90%.

People under the influence of anger have no control over their reactions. The ones who do are considered very strong people (I for sure envy them). The worst part of anger is the things you say at the time. You might not mean it. Or even more you always don't mean it, they just come out alone!! Even worse, the strong painful feeling of regret and sorrow for the words that came out unwillingly, which can never be taken back. And no matter how much you apologize and say that you didn't mean it at all, and that they were just words that you blabbed out in rage, people have a very bad habit of not forgetting, especially, when it comes to bad words.

Personally, I have had lots of these situations.
I guess if you know me (even if not for long, unfortunately), you would have probably seen me in one of those uncontrolled moments. I am one very badly tempered girl, I'm afraid. What I hate about my rage, aside from feeling totally off balance, the stupid words that I say. Most of the time, I don't mean them (a). They may be words that I have kept deep down for some time, simply because I know that saying them would hurt this person's feelings. I really can't stand hurting someone, so you can imagine what I go through after screwing up everything during one of my rages. Seriously, you don't want to try that feeling (if you don't already know it).

Right now, I'm trying to fix that problem, cause, man, I'm tired for making up for what I say and from the whole lot of sorry I say!!
I try to do two things:
First, if possible, I try to walk away for a bit, give myself time to cool down and organize my thoughts, then return to the crime scene and continue arguing.
Second, I try to give myself splits of a second to think of my next word. I try to let my brain process and conclude the best word suitable for this situation. In these few splits of a second, internally, I try to cool down while my brain processes.
These are the two chooses I found to help me ease my rages.

Someone so dear* to me always tells me," Nothing is worth getting yourself huffy. The only person you are harming is yourself ". And of course it’s true. During my continuous rages, I can get blacked-out and my blood pressure rises so high that my hands don't stop shaking. And guess what, the person who caused this, is calm and quite in front of me!! So, cause of that stupid rage, I have caused myself a problem that can turn into something serious. Anyways, that is not our subject, but I'm sure I'd be discussing that some other time.

Now, from all the previous, we have seen one side of words and their effects.
Let me introduce another side, in the next post ......

*that dear person is my beloved grandmother

End of oldies ,, wait for the revolution =D

Well, by posting " Thoughts and Feelings ( 4 ) ", I have completed re-posting my old articles.
Stay tuned for my new ones as soon as I finish my exams isA. That's in 2 weeks =D .

Thoughts and Feelings ( 4 )

Heeey it's back to that stupid time .. PROJECTS AND EXAMS ..... !!!
Well it seems as if it was yesterday that I was having my first term exams. Well if you think about it, it was like a month a ago. MAN this term always flies by so quickly. And amazingly, even thought our drs know that but somehow they make this term harder !! Why exactly is that ??!!
It's a good question with no answer and I'm sure that every student that has ever been in 3rd FCIS has asked it.
You have no idea the amount of tasks due each week. We have 6 subjects ,, each subject either has a task which is a part of the final term project or it has its assignment that contributes in our final grade.
I know people always told us this year is hard and you'll work like you have never worked and then when you'r in 4th year you'll rest only 5 subjects and the graduation project .. BUT HELL MAN .. this term is like going through General Certificate all over again :S
Eventhough work - as you saw - is alot, I still try my best to have fun with my friends. It just hit me that next year is the last year :S.
And what makes me even more upset that I have made some new friends this year with people in the 4th year and they'll stop coming in abt 2 or 3 weeks and its not nice at all :s. Although I have just known them but I have grown very fond of them and can't believe that next year they'll leave us alone and we'll suffer with all the younger people ( I don't like year 1 and 2 :S kids )

Its really important that you never forget to have fun. Specially these days since we r all depressed and can't stand anymore work. We should have fun together so that we could encourage each other so we could work.
And eventhough I never thought of it but today while i was attending the party tht CS did for Dr.A.Salah ,, for the first time I felt I'm going to miss each and every dr tht has ever taught me a word in a section. Even the ones I hate or don't understand from them ( its not my fault, its them who can't explain well :huh ). They have all tried their best to be the best for us and they all deserve a huge TU from us.
These people were students once a upon a time. And some people really don't treat them well, but after all , these are students who have achieved high grades and deserve to become our future Drs, just telling them thank u makes a whole big difference to them. I'm not saying throw a party for each dr, but at least at the end of the year go tell them thank u, we gave you a hard time, we could have never successeded without, we owe you. Those words make a great difference with them. It gives them more energy and enthusiasum to work harder and better with the next generation specially that we all know that the university's routine is .... and they are fed up with their masters and work and everything. Seriously these people deserve a huge endeavour so they won't get fed up and leave ,, because if they do then its the end. No other instructors can ever be as well as the ones who really care about the students.

A word that everyone should always remember - NEVER EVER FORGET YOUR TEACHERS, THEY ARE THE REASON YOU KNOW THE INFORMATION YOU KNOW, RESPECT THEM, NEVER FORGET THEM AND ALWAYS CHECK ON THEM EVEN IF ITS JUST BY SENDING AN EMAIL, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE.

Good Luck GuYz ...
It will soon be over

Thoughts and Feelings ( 3 )

Do you know the popular question that has a popular answer, " If you had three wishes, what would you ask for ? ". And you hear the same answer, " Well, I'd ask for never ending wishes, ".
Well, I'm not going to discuss the answer before understanding the question very well.
As soon as tht question is asked, you start thinking of all possible and impossible dreams you ever dreamt. Every person you wished once you'd meet. You start making a list with everything, and start categorizing and finalizing your choices. And to reach that stage you'd take weeks and may be monthes.
I tried to think of those wishes. And as the selfish mind of all humans, my mind started thinking of the greates and biggest dream I always wanted. A big mansion, be the richest person in the world, own a big competing company to microsoft with an ideal OS ( a new dream, only 3 years ). The mind wonders really !!
But then the rush cools down, and I started to re-gain my senses. The only real wish I have is to be happy. It seems like an easy dream but its not. It has many aspects to it. If you ask me now if I'm happy, I would for sure say no. There are a few things in my life tht I'm happy with. People might say am pasimistic, but I'm not. I'm just trying to be happy.
Do you know how anyone can be happy ?
To have a good relationship with God. If you have a good relation with God, you'll have a beautiful happy life cause there is always someone greater than any person, stronger than any bully, someone who loves you more than any lover would ever love you and someone who can solve any problem no matter how hard or complicated. That's why after you please God you are awareded by the greatest wishes you would ask for: Happiness and Peace.
God is always there for you, watching over you and protecting you.

يا مقلب القلوب ثبت قلبى على دينك

Thoughts and Feelings ( 2 )

Why do people tend to hurt themselves over others ?! You make your decisions and moves, always keeping in mind what others will think or how they'll feel. Even if you think you don't, you always have that in the back of your head. I'm not saying do whatever you want and don't care how people will feel , or hurt whoever you want and don't care !! But why don't we ever think about overselves ?? And I don't mean in a selfish way but again don't just neglect the inner you !! Don't shut it up for long cause you never know what might happen as a consequence to that. The only one who'll be truely hurt is yourself. Of course a decision you make may affect another person and hurt him, but its just temporary cause everyone forgets and forgives after some time. But if you neglect yourself once, you'll just keep on neglecting yourself for others, and in the end, yes everyone around you will be happy, but the most important one won't be; YOU !! You'll soon lose yourself and turn into a new person that you never thought you'd turn into. Soon after that you'll lose the ability to continue pleasing others over yourself. You'll be fed up and you might just burst. Its just a matter of time.
When thinking of a solution and what exactly you should do; should you neglected the inner you and lose yourself, or please yourself and might end up hurting a very close beloved person ? You just have to search and search for an answer. You think and think but you never reach anything, cause by that time you would have been in so deep with a lot of people. So my advice always start from the beginning and don't neglect yourself. But after searching and thinking and trying to resolve the problem you just find that the best solution for everyone is just neglecting yourself and keep on pleasing others, its the easiest solution.
It has only one problem though, this solution is not best for YOU !!

Thoughts and Feelings ( 1 )

I wish I could be a kid again, with no responsibilities. Just a little young child uncapable to do anything. Uncapable of taking my own decisions, and can never get blamed for the simplest ones I take or any action I do. Never be blamed for an angry word I say or even scream.
If you are still a kid, then don't rush through life 'cause you want to be a grown-up fast,dont jump stages 'cause life is a series of stages, a series of ordered stages, you'll soon reach that stage. Once you do, you'll be writing those same words !
If you aren't a kid, then the best you can do is be a child from the inside. Try to simplify your life.
The greatest worries of a child is a toy or a party or even a cartoon.
The smallest worries of a grown-up is life itself.
But as you grow up life starts throwing more and more complicated problems.
At some point ( at any stage or all of them even ), the whole world goes black. You always thought that if it ever turned black, it would start at pink and slowly fade into black, but it doesn't. It goes from pure pink and lovely, to pure dark and ugly.There isn't a single side of life that doesnt have a problem in it. EVERYWHERE !!!
Do you know when it hits rock bottom ??
When you dont even respect urself !?!? How are people meant to accept you when you dont even accept urself !?!?
When you try to think of a solution, your mind just goes blank. Trying to fix anything, you just make it worse.
I think there is only one way to fix everything and make it right, Just Pray !! Pray to God to make everthing right, to do what's best for you and everyone around ( and always pray for the best and not for what you want cause God knows best ). That doesn't mean you pray and do nothing. You pray to God to help you do what's right, but also do something about it. Atleast try.